No Words

Perhaps it is the humidity that has reached its peak or perhaps it is the sun mixed with the humidity that has somehow affected my brain but right now I cannot find the words to write this blog.  Finding the words that can best describe my emotions at this time is challenging. So much has happened in the last 2 years, so much of my life has been touched, so much of me has been transformed, but I cannot find the words. Where do I begin?

I begin with this sense of wordlessness. What seems to surface right now is a sense of disbelief that this Conakry experience is coming to an end. There is a piece of me that will stay here and will always stay here. It feels like a tearing inside of me, a tugging at my heartstrings that is so strong that I seem to be in denial of my imminent departure. I do not want to say goodbye. I still say: “next year OUR little school will have more kids, and OUR little school will need to move to a new place because it is growing.” It is OUR little school but after Friday, it will not be my school any more. It will be a memory. That is what is difficult for me right now. I am in disbelief that my time at AISC is coming to an end. I am putting the brakes on, trying to make time come to a halt. Yet, every day brings me closer to the reality of the END coming soon. I do not want to feel my feelings right now. There is too much sadness. I have become attached to so many people of our community that I can’t bare to say good-bye.

In his famous book, THE LITTLE PRINCE, the author Antoine de St-Exupery develops the story of a young boy, the Little Prince, who arrives on earth from a small planet. The Little Prince comes to earth to have an earthly experience, to meet people and to gain knowledge. He meets many people on earth and he learns about relationships. He meets a fox and the fox explains how to become friends. Then inevitably they must say good-bye and the Little Prince is upset.  He does not understand that he has become attached and now he is feeling an emotion that is new to him: sadness. It hurts and he does not understand why.  Why make friends if you must lose them? The fox explains that when he will see the wind blowing in the wheat fields it will remind him of the Little Prince’s blonde hair and their friendship.

I am like the Little Prince. I do not understand the sadness and the grief that invades me right now as my departure date approaches. I have become attached to my school community, my little neighborhood of Camayenne and this place called Guinee. I have a tailor who is my friend, a bread maker who I call by name and the fruit vendors who have shared their personal stories with me. I will leave colleagues and friends from school but I will also leave people whose lives have touched me, people who have increased my compassion to another height and people whose understanding of the third world reality has opened my eyes and my heart. This week, as I walked by the young people at the corner street, these same young people that I have greeted over the last 2 years, one of them called me  “la reine de Camayenne”. I laughed it off as I walked by but I was touched by these words. No one has ever called me a queen before! I’ve learned to expect the unexpected in Guinee, but these words took me by surprise and I was flattered by the kind teasing.

I can’t begin to explain the depth and breadth of my Guinean experience. Living and working in Guinee has been the most challenging life experience that I have ever lived. I thought that living in Saudi Arabia during the terrorist years had been difficult but that overseas experience pales in comparison to what I have experienced here in Guinee.

So many times during these last 2 years, I had to dig deep inside of me to find strength to understand the culture, the people and the Guinean reality. So many times, I had to dig deep inside of me to find hope in this city of hopelessness and oppression. So many times, I battled with the guilt and the deep hurt that tormented me when people with no legs or deformed faces begged for money and food. So many times I felt angry at the color of my skin and angry at my wealth. I often wanted to be black myself, to be able to melt into the every day and not be seen as different and rich. I did not want to face the emotions that were stirring up inside of me. What can I do with all this poverty around me? “I cannot help every one”, this scream welled up inside of me so often!

For all these reasons and more, perhaps this is why it is difficult to say good-bye. Perhaps the words I can’t find today need to be borrowed from The Little Prince:   “I remembered the fox….one runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.”