I choose

Feeling blue today. It’s Sunday and with it comes a long day of nothing. I have no plans for the day. As I look out the patio doors, the sun is singing its bright melody. Hooray, I think to myself, looks like monsoon season is over! The sun’s revelation helps move my inner feelings of drab and dull up a notch. The phrase: “I don’t want to be here any more” has been living in my head since the day we made our decision to leave Conakry. I find it a struggle to live here, to be in the moment and to have a positive outlook in my every day life. The material environment continues to affect me: the red dirt and dust that stains feet and socks, the garbage mounds in the streets, the stench of old fish and waste rotting and the poverty of my Guinean brothers reach me to my core. Everyday.

Weekends are most challenging. My life grinds to a halt. During the week days, school keeps me busy but life on weekends is confined to living in the apartment watching food channels, reading, doing school work and preparing meals. Feeling bored is not the feeling. It is beyond that. It is a lonely existence, an isolation from society and a sense of feeling trapped, confined. I feel I have no choice but to endure life in Conakry with the limitations that choke me. No choice. No friends. Nowhere to go. Limited existence. If I would drive it might be different but even then, where would I drive to? There is no Shoreline Path to hike, no malls, no beach boardwalk, no parks, no cafes, no Starbucks, no beautiful countryside road to drive along. These do not exist in Conakry. What I long for does not exist here, period. The few friends that I have are all out of the country right now. Our favourite couple has moved to India, our humanitarian friend Colette is gone on home leave to Canada for 4 months and our only French Canadian couple is unavailable(he is working 16 hour days here and she is undergoing dental surgery in Quebec). Sigh!

Impasse. That’s where I am this Sunday morning. I am also battling a sinus head cold……my head feels like a ten ton truck loaded with bricks. Yuk! I haven’t had a bad cold for a long time. I had forgotten how miserable it makes one feel. Anyway, back to Sunday morning….

Our routine Sunday activity is to walk to the pool, do 30 minutes of laps, lounge around the pool and then walk back home. Raymond is ready to leave at 10am this morning; he too is suffering from cabin fever! My head weighs heavy with the sinus headache and I debate whether I have the energy to undertake the 30 minute walk or stay in the quiet of my apartment. I quickly opt for the walk, knowing that the gains of going out, getting vitamin D and changing my environment will also change my inner environment. I am right.

Once at the pool, Raymond starts swimming and I settle down to writing this blog. I notice a young French couple sitting nearby. He is reading and she is doing a cross stitch project, comfortably sitting on the pool’s lounge chairs. She is a gorgeous blond in a bikini doing cross stitch! This is not your typical picture of the pool side crowd!! She has an aura about her that is peaceful and content…so curiosity got the best of me and I approached her. We end up talking for an hour, introducing each others’ husbands and finding common threads in our life experiences. They arrived in Conakry 10 days ago from their previous posting in Sudan; he works for the French Embassy and she will be teaching French at the Cultural Center. They too feel isolated. We exchange emails and phone numbers and agree to meet again soon. What is it in human beings that happens, that split second decision to make a step, to dare move out of our comfort zone and speak to a complete stranger? I know that this morning I had a deep need to reach out and connect with people, even if that meant complete strangers. I’m glad I did. This morning made me realize that I’ve been dwelling in a mental state of “have not”. I do not have friends, no social life, no gym, no Starbucks. NO, NOT and “fed up” have been living in my head for the last 2 weeks. I’ve been feeding the demons of negative self-talk and they are now overweight! They are weighing heavy on me, heavy on my mind and to no surprise I am suffering from a head cold. Body and Being are so connected. Time to let the demons loose!

We can look at life and see a glass half full or a glass half empty, to coin a common bumper sticker saying. I guess I’ve been doing the latter. I hear my sister Mariette’s voice ringing in my ear right now. Mariette is an Ever-Ready bunny dynamo of positive energy! As far as I know, she has never been depressed one day in her life! If she was here right now she would tell me that I always have a choice. I always have a choice in the way I respond to life events. It is impossible to be completely stuck and say that one has absolutely no choice. I choose to see my present life circumstances with positive eyes or negative eyes. I choose. Having made a commitment to a 2 year contract, pursuing my goal of helping a little school in distress, I can choose to live happily or not with the constraints of life in one of West Africa’s poorest countries. Friedrich Nietzsche explained it well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either.” The process of leaving has started and I will reach my goal June 15 2012, when I end my contract in Guinee. Meanwhile, I embrace the process, the experiences yet to come and the people yet to discover. I choose.